Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life

I know I am not the only one to admit this. But there is always that one, ok…maybe two…people that you have had relations with, that you would rather forget the whole event ever happened. Not that the mood wasn’t there, the kissing wasn’t perfect or even that you didn’t look your best. Simply put, the sex sucked. And not in the,  the opening credits were crappy but the final scene was epic, kind of sucked. I mean, all together, the sex was just lousy.

Case in point with Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life. I have referred to him as this because I will deny our ever having sex, let alone kissing, until the day that I die. I won’t tell you the details about how we first got to the bedroom, I will just tell you this, work sexual tension gives you false hope that the person flirting on the other end might be good in the sack.

So one night after work, we got together. The first sign of this sinking sexual Titanic, he was ok at kissing. Now I will say this, there are some men out there who have lost the fine art of kissing. I mean, melt your panties off, feel lightheaded, the room actually spinning and Oh My God I think I can have an orgasam, kind of kissing. Think of it this way, that should be your version of “This is Why You Should Sleep With Me” sales tactic, to get us in bed. I have stop stronger men in their tracks simply based on the fact that they were bad kissers.

But for some dumb reason, I let this minor major flaw slide. The clothes disappear, the “kissing” continues, and I am instantly bored. If you start your lovemaking by doing long division in your head, that’s a bad sign, right? Hell yea it is! But it’s kind of like ordering a drink out with friends and everyone deciding to leave early. You try your best to finish the drink off as fast as you can, not letting it go to waste, when there are times, you should just get your crap and go.

So I am sure you are wondering what made him Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life. Well it was the Holy Trinity of Bad Sex: Lousy Kisser, Small Unit,  No Skills. Now I say this because having one or two of those things going wrong can still somewhat redeem you in the eyes of us ladies. Having them all go wrong, well, you run the risk of being laughed at by us and our girlfriends.

It was a few years later when one of my friends brought his name up. “Hey, didn’t you hook up with…” I stopped her mid sentence, looked her dead in the face and with every bit of Erica Cane soap opera acting conviction, I said to her…I’ve Never Slept With Him Before In My Life!