Before we get into the above topic, let me first say, that I realize the beautiful Charlie Foxtrot that is the woman currently writing this post. Meaning, I know I ain’t perfect. For serious, I just used the word “ain’t”. So if you aren’t already cringing at that, below is a list of a few things that I realized I hate worse than people who dress up their pets.
- Guys that try to pick up me at unsexy places, mainly the gym or in line at CVS whilst purchasing Plan B.
- Any dude who has one name, but goes by a completely different one. “My name is Ben. Actually, it’s Devin, but you can call me ‘Ben’ “. No I will not! “His mama, named him Clay, imma call him Clay!”
- Older married men who feel it’s cute to flirt with me. I get it, your kids are away at college, but that wedding ring is still on your finger. Oh, and your wife is my boss, so…….
- Speaking of names, guys that attempt to use my name as a pickup line, as if I’ve never heard it before. “Desiree, huh? You know what that means in French, right?” I do, it means “Le Loser” now bring me a Macallan, neat.
- Oh, and guys that are amazed that I drink Scotch. Kiss my ass! Just because your alcohol tastes are reserved to the “Champagne of Beers” doesn’t mean you can judge me for being whisky cultured.
- Men that are shocked I don’t have kids. Well if you get to know me, you know I never want children. What should shock you more is that, I once tried to sell my eggs so that the world could be blessed with more sarcastic little princesses.
- Guys who judge me for having tattoos.
- Actually guys that judge in general. You’re perfect becauseeeeeeee why? Oh that’s right, because your mother said so and you were breastfeed till you were 7.
- Guys who want to out drink me on a first date. Actually, Capt. Douche, the idea of a drinking contest on a date is kinda childish. But since you brought it up and you are clearly in need of a serious reality check “Waiter, could you bring us 6 shots of Patron. Chilled, no salt, no lime.”
- Men who want to gush at how perfect their niece or nephews are. Well there is scientific proof that my god son AND god-daughter are the closest you can get to perfect, so you can suck it. And I also don’t care that your niece can say ‘hello’ in five languages. Hell, I can order a drink in four!
- Guys who act as is they’ve accomplished a major feat with me being their “First Black Girl”. What are you collecting vaginas like Pokemon cards now? Grow the hell up.
- And finally any man who tries to use Feminism to make it ok for ME to pick up the check. Sure, I offer almost every single time, unless I already looked through your wallet while you were in the bathroom and found that $100 bill. But don’t act like you are “Supporting Womens Rights” by having me pick up the tab. You wanna support Womens Rights, why don’t you buy the condom AND the Plan B pills, and I’ll pick up the movie from Redbox!