Here’s a novel idea. If you don’t tell your partner what you want, it probably won’t happen.

Ok. That’s it. That’s the post.

No seriously. Let’s talk about sex, baby. It came to my attention that sometimes, we have a hard time vocalizing what we DON’T want in the bedroom. If you think about it, it almost comes natural to mention what you do want and like. It’s evident in our body language or a moan, or in my case as a singer, a very high F sharp. But how do you approach something your partner does in bed that you don’t like? Here are five tips to uhh…encourage different behavior.

Tip #1- Highlight their talents.

This is kind of a no-brainer. The best way to get what you want is to highlight, what they are doing well versus what they aren’t doing well. It’s almost like sex reverse psychology. “Ok, she likes her neck kissed on this side more. Ahhhhh! Noted” It’s much easier to go the route of what they are doing right, than attacking what they are doing wrong.

Tip #2- Timing is everything.

Depending on the act, I think it’s key to mention the transgression when it happens. Now, this works for a super responsive and very secure partner. Sometimes it’s hard to take constructive criticism while in the heat of the moment. For others, it works best to talk post coitus. “Hey, I know you like XYZ, but I’d appreciate if you did ABC.” This can sometimes lead to a deeper conversation about what you both need more or less of in the bedroom.

Tip #3- Be hands on.

Literally. Guide and direct your partner in the manner and space that you enjoy. I remember doing this once and he get so turned on because he for one, didn’t see it coming. And two, thought it was hot that I was taking charge. I wasn’t trying to take charge, I was just trying to guide you down the right way of the street, buddy

Tip #4- Be Honest.

I know. Another no-brainer, but perhaps one of the most difficult. Have an open and honest and I do mean, honest, conversation about what you enjoy in bed. Go deep and talk about no just the WHAT but the WHY. “I get turned on when you do this, rather than that, because..”. If you give some back story about your desires, it makes asking for it, or a change, more understandable.

Tip #5- Remember Mars vs Venus.

Finally keep in mind that we treat this conversation VERY differently as a man vs a woman. For most women, we hear the comment, make the adjustment and proceed. However for some men, it can come across as extremely harsh criticism. Especially if your “Alphabet Technique” is something you’ve been doing since High School and every girl loves it. There are also some women who could take addressing their short comings as personal attacks, and some men who might see it as a delightful challenge. Either way, recognize that you both may communicate differently and be open to listen.

At the end of the day, sometimes it’s time to teach that dog a new trick. You can only be entertained by fetching a bone for so long.